AND THE PRIZE FOR THE FINEST COMBINATION OF WORDS EVER TO EXIST IN THE TITLE OF A BOOK GOES TO...

You can buy this timeless masterpiece at Walmart for thirty one dollars and forty six cents.

At first glance it might seem pricey. But remember, these are the words of an Apostle, presented to us for our spiritual edification.

Cost should be no object.

Not convinced? Then allow me to use my literary skills to parse the extraordinary title of this book. By doing so, I aim to demonstrate it is worth every dollar spent!

• MINE
• ERRAND
• FROM
• THE
• LORD

Clearly the author expects no monetary compensation for the words FROM and THE.

The word LORD, however, comes at a cost... which is entirely justifiable.

According to the Gieshecker Group (a premier marketing firm), putting LORD in the title of a book can increase its value by six dollars and fifty cents per unit sold - but only if the author holds the proper priesthood authority to invoke the Lord in a title!

(Some hacks in the world of LDS literature have attempted to pass themselves off as such, only to face the dire consequences promised to them by the Lord, such as a failing, critically panned talk-radio show and the onus of being made to select from the scrap-heap of words in Mormon literature available to those who have overstepped their bounds, such as the frightfully embarrassing "Cumorah.")

But I digress.

Does the six dollar and fifty cent LORD justify the cost?

By itself, no - but we still have a couple more words to consider.

ERRAND

Take a moment to say it out loud.

Oh, how it rolls off the tongue!

Some words in use today have survived as relics from past languages. In the Garden of Eden, Adam conversed with Heavenly Father in a pure tongue known as Adamic. In my opinion, when God had a job for Adam to do, He would refer to it as an ERRAND, exactly as we hear it today!

Indeed, it can increase the value of a book.

But authors be warned. Don't go running off all willy-nilly, throwing ERRAND into your book titles. You might be messing with powers you don't understand, for many in the publishing industry have gone literally insane over ERRAND!

Because of this, assessing its title value can be very dangerous. One must approach ERRAND with the kind of reverence and respect it deserves, which I shall do as I soundly make the following inductive inference without flaw:

• It certainly isn't worth zero dollars.
• Its value cannot approach anything like LORD ($6.50)
• Therefore, the value probably lies somewhere in between, at $3.75

Here, we begin to see the worth of the book adding up:

• MINE (?)
• ERRAND ($3.75)
• FROM (Free!)
• THE (Free!)
• LORD ($6.50)
• TOTAL ($10.25)

Ten dollars and twenty five cents!

This is about a third of the cost of the book and we haven't even accessed the value of one remaining word...

MINE is worth about fourteen trillion dollars.

So:

• MINE ($14,000,000,000,000.00)
• ERRAND ($3.75)
• FROM (Free!)
• THE (Free!)
• LORD ($6.50)
• TOTAL ($14,000,000,000,010.25)

Fourteen trillion, ten dollars and twenty five cents in value!

And we're all going to quibble over a price tag of around thirty bucks?

Not I, and neither should you.

Now go buy a copy for your fat aunt for Christmas. You know, that one aunt who inexplicably has a bald patch above her left ear.

You may want to bundle a bunch of ostrich feathers at the end of a stick and hand it off to her as well, since nothing collects dust like the smug, sanctimonious writings of Boyd K. Packer.

"Yourn Errand," I've got it hanging for you right here, bub.