I'LL LET MY OUT-OF-STATE FRIENDS WHO VISIT ME IN UTAH MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS ABOUT THIS PLACE, THANKYOU

Russell M. Nelson

The Utah State Legislature began its 2009 session this week with an opening prayer given by Mormon apostle Russell M. Nelson. Once upon a time, he was a damn good heart surgeon. Sadly, he now spends his days toeing the line of church hierarchy by dressing like your dickhead boss and speaking to conference audiences like no one out there has gotten past the first grade. Among his achievements: taking a 55-year-old second wife at the age of 81 and proclaiming that dirty talk during lovemaking is a no-no, even among married couples. The logic goes that Heavenly Father is there during the "sacred" act in a kind of extra-dimensional three-way but scedaddles if his name is profaned, as so often it is, during orgasm. God also flees the scene if body parts are matched up in an "unnatural" manner. This begs the question, how can two people by way of action in bed have any influence over an all-powerful being? We'll leave that to the theologians to ponder...

In his prayer, Russell M. Nelson asked Heavenly Father to have visitors to the State of Utah "leave in peace and recollections of righteousness."

Now, if they don't (and they're bound not to - at least I know of a bunch of Californians who would leave without recollecting one iota of righteousness in this place), does it mean that God has failed? Or does it mean that Nelson is a rambling old fool with just enough old-guard nerve to make a silly, superstitious appeal to his deity in what is supposed to be a secular governmental session?