CLASSIC MYSPACE BLOG - MORMONS LIKE TO DIG HOLES

If God had equipped me with a brain bigger than a golf ball, I would have finished school.

A big-brained Ted was not in His grand scheme, though - a reality I've come to accept in past years. According to the faith of my fathers I chose my, um, condition in the pre-existence, where I once battled Lucifer. In Mormondom all bases are covered... if your lot is to go through life confined to a wheelchair, you were probably a great athlete before coming here. You chose that challenge, valiant bad-ass mother fucker that you are. I chose not to be the greatest thinker of all time as I most certainly was when I advised God Himself on how to bring down a third of the host of heaven.

I would have thought all this to be rather obvious to my friends and family.

Duh.

To this day I am asked if I still drive shuttles, as though my CAREER was some sort of twelve-year transition between the mediocre Ted and Ted the Übermensch.

People, this is all I've got.

Deal with it.

But I digress...

If I had finished school I probably would be a quantum physicist by now so I could tell Brian Greene to take his M-theory and shove it up his ass.

Or I'd be a cultural anthropologist so I could explain this whole Mormon thing to others.

The best I can do is tell you Mormons like to dig holes - way more than other people. You can claim I haven't tested my premises, but I have a gut feeling on this one.

WAY WAY more than others.

I think this stems back to the founder himself, Mr. Joseph Smith, jr.

Look him up on the Internet. After an hour of study, you'll come away convinced all he did in his young life was dig holes and unbury shit.

Unlike marrying more than one lass, this tradition has not only survived to this day, but has become more pronounced, as is the case down the street from me where they've taken out a whole city block right in front of church headquarters.