BILL HICKS JUSTICE ON LETTERMAN

In 1990, if you were living in East Providence, RI as a Latter-day Saint missionary, you were damn lucky happening upon a radio/tape recorder when you moved into your next apartment. I mean, guys left shit behind, like used up socks, toasters full of crumbs that smoked out the neighbors, pillows that were most-def going directly to the dumpster, and food that was long outdated - foul, and not the least bit amusing; but, hardly EVER electronics, and almost NEVER electronics that worked well enough to be labeled survival gear - the gear that got you through that mission alive.

I happened upon one of these rare and most valuable devices, and having recently realized The Comedy Hour on an FM station in another area, began taping the sacrilegious blasphemy that 'normal,' well, rather, 'non-Mormon' humans called "comedy acts."

Bill Hicks blew my mind.

Tonight, David Letterman, for some universal fucked-up reason that I’m not privy to, let me know that he had realized Bill Hicks was ahead of his time and had to make right what he had done so wrong back in 1993 - right before Bill died. David nixed airing an amazing Hicks stand-up act for what he described as really "no reason at all" on his show and attempted to make amends by having Bill’s mom on, and playing in full, the clip he cut that is still so relevant today...

CBS told Bill that his material was unsuitable for their audience. Letterman admitted it was his decision to cut the act, and he meant to make it right tonight, January 30, 2009.

Thanks, Dave, and thanks, Bill Hicks.

Dead, you are STILL ahead of your time.

-Ted

I'LL LET MY OUT-OF-STATE FRIENDS WHO VISIT ME IN UTAH MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS ABOUT THIS PLACE, THANKYOU

Russell M. Nelson

The Utah State Legislature began its 2009 session this week with an opening prayer given by Mormon apostle Russell M. Nelson. Once upon a time, he was a damn good heart surgeon. Sadly, he now spends his days toeing the line of church hierarchy by dressing like your dickhead boss and speaking to conference audiences like no one out there has gotten past the first grade. Among his achievements: taking a 55-year-old second wife at the age of 81 and proclaiming that dirty talk during lovemaking is a no-no, even among married couples. The logic goes that Heavenly Father is there during the "sacred" act in a kind of extra-dimensional three-way but scedaddles if his name is profaned, as so often it is, during orgasm. God also flees the scene if body parts are matched up in an "unnatural" manner. This begs the question, how can two people by way of action in bed have any influence over an all-powerful being? We'll leave that to the theologians to ponder...

In his prayer, Russell M. Nelson asked Heavenly Father to have visitors to the State of Utah "leave in peace and recollections of righteousness."

Now, if they don't (and they're bound not to - at least I know of a bunch of Californians who would leave without recollecting one iota of righteousness in this place), does it mean that God has failed? Or does it mean that Nelson is a rambling old fool with just enough old-guard nerve to make a silly, superstitious appeal to his deity in what is supposed to be a secular governmental session?

INDISCREET

Jenn and I select our favorite songs from a Sparks album and play them for you here and discuss why Sparks is the greatest band in all of Tarnation, by golly.

Ted: Hey Baby, less than three weeks till Sparks in LA... excited?

Jenn:  I am starting to feel it! Yeah!

T: Where are we at in our LP reviews?

J: We need to be discreet about Indiscreet, methinks.

T: So I shouldn't jump out and say, not my favorite?

J: Hahahahah. Or, you could go that route, yes.

J: Not my favorite either.

T: Yeah, definitely down on the list for me.  The critics seem to love it, though.

J: For me, I feel like Indiscreet lacks a certain energy that their previous albums had. I mean, where is the guitar? They are in this awkward in-between phase of really having a unique sound and showing it off a bit, but not taking it to the next level yet, they aren't breaking any new ground with this album, nor are they improving on what they've done before.

T: How can I hate the lack of guitar on this one and then applaud the lack of guitar on No. 1 In Heaven?

J: Well, No. 1 is a completely different sound. They have totally evolved from 70's pop-rock band at that point to immersing themselves in the electronica of the 80's.

T: Helping invent electronica of the 80s...

T: But let's save that for later.

J: True that. I do have to say that while the music on Indiscreet leaves something to be desired for me, some of the lyrics are just fucking hilarious. "Tits?" That is one of the funniest lyrical songs ever.

T: I must confess, I haven't checked out any of the lyrics besides the one in my song choice, "Get in the Swing."

J: Well, you should, 'cause they are the best part of the album. "Get In The Swing!" Excellent choice. I remember viewing Russell singing that one for the first time and almost falling off my chair when he started talking back to his 'creator.' Hahahahahaha. 

J: Still gets me every time.

T: It was one of the first, if not THE first of the vintage Sparks we saw on YouTube.  Drummer guy from Bay City Rollers introduces them!

J: I'm going to have to go with Happy Hunting Ground. Musically, I think it is one of the strongest on the album.

T: HHG definitely has the guitar that I feel is lacking on most of the other tracks, and the vocal refrain at the end is impressive.

J: Agreed.

T: What is that Kate Bush song?  When I hear it, I'm convinced she's borrowing from HHG.

T: Maybe I'm up in the night.

J: I'm not sure what you are talking about. I'm sure you are right though. Not one Sparks album goes without  being ripped off. 

J: I think the important thing about Indiscreet is that it ends their first UK run, and they start going in a different direction after this album - would you agree?

T: Yeah, I think the story goes that they bailed on England with the coming of punk and went back to the States to try to establish an audience there.

T: Which leads us to the two intermediary albums, Big Beat and Introducing Sparks, before they managed to get back on the charts in Britain with No. 1 In Heaven.

T: See ya soon for those reviews?

J: I'll be here with bells on, so to speak...

"Get In The Swing"

Get in the swing, pal
Get in the swing
With everybody and everything
(repeat)

My friends are here
Mind if you go out and not come back again
Well, thanks a lot
Hooray, hooray
The night is younger than the girl who's got the touch
But not by much

Well, I ain't no Freud, I'm from L.A.
But I know certain things
That they also serve who sit and wait
They're cheaper than painting
And don't need explaining

(Chorus)

When Salmon spawn
A ton of water blocks their motion,
Spoils their game
But on they go
Thrashing 'til their mission is fulfilled or else
Oh, but they have their friends
And have a warm bed waiting
Just like I do with you
I'm happy, so happy, I'm happy, oh happy

(Chorus)

All for one, one for all

(Chorus)

Hello down there
This is your creator with a questionaire
Hello up there
I don't have the time to fill out questionaires

"Happy Hunting Ground"

Happy hunting ground, happy hunting ground
They don't talk or act like you do
Happy hunting ground, happy hunting ground
No they sure don't look like you

Who, what, when, where and why everyday
Identify every disease
I drew a blank in my language
And latin and Spanish and Greek
Thrown out, thrown out, so happy at first
I danced 'til I wore out my shoes
Now I'm in trouble, I know it
Please let me back into school

Back in the happy hunting ground
Where all around are fair, fair game
I need the happy hunting ground
'Cause all around it's not the same

How to say it, and not to offend
Well, you're still inside it's OK
As soon as a girl leaves the refuge
Out go the reason they're great
Hips are spreading, and never a smile
They always demand that they drive
Well, I've got to get back inside there
Back where at least they're alive

(Chorus)

Happy hunting ground, happy hunting ground
They can sort of dance like you do
Happy hunting ground, happy hunting ground
But they just can't last like you

Some are coming to learn how to read
Others to learn how to write
But I want a better selection
It's larger but poorer outside

It's fair, fair game inside etc.

(Chorus)

It's fair fair game inside etc.

(Chorus)

THE FISHING CHRONICLES, MONDAY, JANUARY 19TH, 2009

The weather inversion is killing us. Jenn and I are determined to get up into the mountains above the muck, Lou in tow. With barely a dollar between us, we certainly can't afford lift tickets to ski. But that's okay, because we have annual pass to any Utah State Park. We had our hearts set on the Jordanelle Reservoir to fish the open water on the south end, still not frozen. But Jenn's folks had gone up the day before and reported a "pretty frozen" lake. Hoping that they were just plain wrong, we headed up and, to our dismay, found no place to cast our fishing lines. Jenn wanted to try the Middle Provo River. I was against it because I was unsure about where the bait and catch restrictions were in effect and also I knew there would be a lot of fly fisherman around, and they intimidate me. I insist that we go check out Deer Creek Reservoir and even become slightly grumpy when I sense I'm not going to have my way, which I apologize for. Upon approach, we see a very, very frozen lake. Ice fisherman abound. We round the mountainside and thankfully spot open water. Jenn and I had been up a month earlier and were forced to hike down from the guard shack, the road down to the boat ramp having been unplowed. We are delighted to discover that this time there had been some snow removal and we were able to drive all the way down to the top of the ramp. We got four lines out into the water with power bait on treble hooks. Another guy had two lines out nearby. We were there for two hours and didn't catch a thing! I'm starting to think there's something to the solunar chart, which forecasted and average day (every time I've fished on days rated excellent, I've caught at least one and had all sorts of action on my line). But catching a fish was not our goal. We simply wanted to get away from the air pollution, so mission accomplished. Plus Lou looked to have a great time with his sled on the tiny incline above the lake...

On our way up we were talking about how nice it is to escape the smog, but what a bummer it is to have to descend back into it. But never did we imagine it would be as bad as what we saw pictured below. Brownish yellow mucky haze extending all the way past East Canyon, BLECH!

PROPAGANDA

Jenn and I select our favorite songs from a Sparks album and play them for you here and discuss why Sparks is the greatest band in all of Tarnation, by golly.

Ted: Hey Baby, ready for a hefty dose of Propaganda?

Jenn: Exactly- You can't have anything BUT a hefty dose of Propaganda! You bet I'm ready.

T: We're in the middle of "the Island years," reviewing Sparks releases from the mid-70s, when they were signed to Island Records.

J: They were living it up in the UK, making cash and laughing their asses off, methinks, continuing to write songs that were unlike anything anybody else was doing.

T: It seems like the consensus among critics is that this is "Kimono Pt II" - which is not a bad thing...

J: No not at all. And, I'll agree with them. At this point in their career, this album was anything but ordinary, compared to other bands, but fans could say, 'oh yeah, that is definitely Sparks' sound,' which upon listening to the album is an impressive sound to call your own.

T: When I think of a song from one of the two albums, I'm often at a loss as to which one it is on, so, yeah, very similar. I've chosen "At Home, At Work, At Play" as my song selection for the sheer fact that it sends tingles down my spine.

J: Now wait a minute! That is soo my song!

J: It might be because we had it pumping at full volume during our entire road trip to see Opeth, but, besides that, it is just too well crafted to ignore.

T: I think if a case were to be made for Queen ripping off Sparks, evidence would be found within the content of this song, especially in Russell's vocals.

J: It is a mature song, with a strong beat - none of the strange child chorus that muddies up some of the others on the album, in my mind - and it just makes you ready to listen to the rest of the album. I mean, the opening just comes out belting!

T: The transition in Russell's voice between the opening lyrics and the line "You gotta catch her when she's still at home," floors me.  Intense, then delicate, back and forth, throughout the song and building to its climax.  Wow!

J: Yeh, yeh. He's got skillz. They're unmatched on the album anywhere else.

T: That soft/hard formula is often copied and repeated in other rock n roll climes. Didn't I read somewhere that Cobain was a fan of early Sparks?

J: He was, yes. I do want to say that the crafting of the rest of the album is brilliant, though. This whole war/romance, strange-ass theme that they just OWN is incredible. The two singles that were up there on the UK charts were worthy of the attention they got. In fact, I think that our obsession with "Don't Leave Me Alone With Her" should not go unmentioned.

J: There are puppets on our bookshelves...

T: Yes, I should mention that we have endeavored to set an operatic puppet show to that tune...

T: Let's make that our second pick, then.

J: It would have to be the forementioned for me. "Don't Leave Me Alone With Her" is one of the funniest songs Ron has ever written. There are so many songs about love and hate and strange women in this world, but this one - it just takes the cake.

J: Russell is just a master of expressing desparation with his vocals, and the falsetto is great in this song.

T: That is so well said, I think we should leave it at that!  See ya next time for Indiscreet?

J: I'll be here. Ciao!

T: Ciao Bella!

"At Home, At Work, At Play"

At Home, At Work, At Play
I know youre unavailable from dusk to dawn
Or if you were availible youd bring along
A lot of what could only be a hindrance to me
I aint a glutton for a lot of sweaty company
You gotta catch her while shes still at home
You gotta catch her while shes still at work
You gotta catch her while shes still at play
The only way is at home, work or play

Time really flies when it aint that much time
You better shave half your face at a time
And brush the front of your teeth, leave the rest
And be with her when shes not with the rest
Stop, theres gotta be a million girls like her, though
I cant think of one
So you catch her while shes still at home
And you catch her while shes still at work
And you catch her while shes still at play

Don't let her calendar be any cause to pout
There is a bit of time when there are a few about
Im gonna skirt the issue of her popularity
And just avail myself of all the time that she is free
You gotta catch her while shes still at home
You gotta catch her while shes still at work
You gotta catch her while shes still at play
Cause half the day shes at home, work or play

And time is fleeing the scene of the crime
The act of passing out wrinkles and lines
To every person regardless of race
To every person regardless of face
Stop, theres gotta be a million girls like her, though
I cant think of one
So at home she says you butler well
And at work she says you're typing well
And at play she says you caddie well

Stop,
theres gotta be a million girls like her, though I cant think of one
So you catch her while shes still at home
And you catch her while shes still at work
And you catch her while shes still at play

I'm gonna love you under incandescent light
I'm gonna love you under flourscent light
The glaring sun above should not inhibit us at all
I'm very glad to know that your libido never palls

Stop, shes unique, espscially at home
Where youre butler, maid, and often cook
And at work together juggling books
Or at play between the tennis sets
Or at play before shes placed her bet
Or at play while shes still slightly wet
Or at play while she is dripping wet

"Don't Leave Me Alone With Her"

The Exodus is on
The impetus is gone
Nobodys having fun
How about another drink
Or maybe just a snack
The rest will be here soon
Here, let me take you mac
I know its started slow
Theres still no need to go

Dont leave me alone with her
Every home is Rome alone with her
And if you all go, who'll say no to her
Dont leave me alone with her
Dont my sweat and shaking register
Cause if you all go, who'll say no to her

You look at her and say, "She looks OK to me"
I look at her and say, "She looks OK to me"
The reasons very clear
You're watching her with me

Dont leave me alone with her
Every home is Rome alone with her
And if you all go, who'll say no to her

Unwitting chaperons, how come you cannot see
Unwitting chaperons, how come you cannot see
A Hitler wearing heels
A soft Simon Legree
A Hun with honey skin
De Sade who makes good tea
Dont leave me here to be
Dont leave me here yo be

Dont leave me alone with her
Dont my sweat and shaking register
Cause if you all go, who'll say no to her
Dont leave me alone with her
Dont leave me alone with her
Dont leave me alone with her

Dont leave me alone with her
Every home is Rome alone with her
And if you all go, who'll say no to her...

KIMONO MY HOUSE

Jenn and I select our favorite songs from a Sparks album and play them for you here and discuss why Sparks is the greatest band in all of Tarnation, by golly.

Ted: Here I've been, listening to some of our most recent Sparks purchases - the ones recorded in the eighties - totally forgetting the masterpiece, Kimono My House!

T: Just hearing it again all the way through tonight, wow!

Jenn: I feel the same way, Ted. Every song that came on tonight, listening to Kimono again, I was like - Jeeze! That is a great song!

T: I wonder, did the Brits assume Sparks were just as big in the States?  Or did they know we were the biggest bunch of dumbfucks for not acknowledging the greatness of this band?

J: The Brits have always had reason to assume we were dumbfucks, and besides the last eight years of the Bush Administration, I think the smart ones over there most likely put 'Yankees Don't Get Sparks' as number one lame Americana on the list.

J: But, in all seriousness - Kimono My House is one of the most killer albums ever written. Influenced some of the best - not just in the UK, but all over the world.

J: What's your pick, Mr. Ted?

T: Listening as we type, I'm all, that one, no wait, that one...

J: I know, I know. Ron was on. Russell, well, he was on. The guitar is ripping, the entire band executes masterfully some of the most original music of all time. The lyrics - God. I mean I can't understand a damn word Russell says and I like the songs, then I use the internets to figure out what they are saying and I'm like, FUCK MAN! This is too good!

T: And it's like, well Bowie was brilliant back then... but the thing is, people know that!  It's just a crime thinking how limited our understanding of the Brothers Mael was before the internet opened things up for us...

J: Yes, Ted. I remember us jizzing juice when we realized all of the bands that had covered "This Town." Some of the greats. Remember Siouxsie & the Banshees playing it from a gazebo or something? Dear God. Russell does it best though. It is a Sparks song through and through. If you aren't going to pick a song - I guess I'll take the first hit. On this AMAZING album, I'm going to take....

J: "This Town Ain't Big Enough for Both of Us"

J: I know, I know. You say everyone picks it, but I just cannot believe the mastery of that song. To open an album with such a gutsy drama, such rapid pace! Wowzas. Wowwowzas.

T: I'm just hearing Russell's falsetto crescendo.  Pure genius.  

T: I seriously struggled with picking one song from this album, but pressed, I think it's going to have to be "Amatuer Hour," as it comes right off the heals of "This Town," and just keeps up the intensity of the album...

J: As much as I hate to be the 'yes woman,' I'm going to have to agree with you, Ted. "Amatuer Hour" was nearly my pick. I sing along with both of those songs, and they just fly by. It is really a short album, but just explodes at the get go.

T: Yes, yes-woman, yes.  I can't think of a stronger LP opening.  Ron's lyrical wit is in full force, here.  And how would you describe Russell's singing?  His vocal inflections just kill me!

J: Oh dear, yes. Russell is making every choral teacher proud, here. 

J: His range is its widest ever, clear as a bell - from Italian-boy soprano to hearthrob pop singing - he brings it all.

T: I was about to go on and on about how I can't put my finger on his singing, but I like how you put that.

J: Thanks, darlin'. You know how I like my Russell... I'm going to have to say in closing, if you don't have this album already, go buy it. If you don't, you don't get a good percentage of the music that came out from kids that are famous now, that were listening to it on big headphones in their bedrooms in the summer of 1974."

T: Indeed.  This album is solid from start to finish, which is why I'll create a link to it on the Sparks MySpace page.  I would encourage all to go there and hear how incredible it is, and then buy the darn garn thing.

J: But pretty please post the lyrics to the songs we picked, Ted. They are brilliant.

T: Oh yeah, standard procedure applies, here.  The two songs posted via YouTube with lyrics.  Anything else I can do, besides being your Sparks-fan-comrad-in-arms?

J: We'll get to that when we're away from the blog, baby. See ya next time! PROPAGANDA!

T: PROP-A-GAN-DA! PROP-A-GAN-DA!

(Note: YouTube would not allow me to upload the two songs, so I'm using someone else's submission.  You can listen to the album in its entirety at myspace.com/allsparks.  Go to the MySpace music jukebox and scroll down at the bottom left until you see, you guessed it, two asian gals dressed in kimonos. Click on that and you're set.)

This Town Ain't Big Enough for Both of Us

Zoo time is she and you time
The mammals are your favourite type, and you want her tonight
Heartbeat, increasing heartbeat
You hear the thunder of stampeding rhinos, elephants and tacky tigers
This town ain't big enough for both of us
And it ain't me who's gonna leave

Flying domestic flying
And when the stewardess is near do not show any fear
Heartbeat increasing heartbeat
You are a khaki-coloured bombadier it's Hiroshima that you're nearing
This town ain't big enough for both of us
And it ain't me who's gonna leave

Daily, except for Sunday
You dawdle in to the cafe where you meet her each day
Heartbeat, increasing heartbeat
As twenty cannibals have hold of you, they need their protein just like you do
This town ain't big enough for both of us
And it ain't me who's gonna leave

Shower, another shower
You've got to look your best for her and be clean everywhere
Heartbeat, increasing heartbeat
The rain is pouring on the foreign town, the bullets cannot cut you down
This town ain't big enough for both of us
And it ain't me who's gonna leave

Census, the latest census
There'll be more girls who live in town though not enough to go round
Heartbeat, increasing heartbeat
You know that:
This town isn't big enough,
not big enough for both of us
This town isn't big enough,
not big enough for both of us
And I ain't gonna leave

 Amateur Hour

Lawns grow plush in the hinterlands
It's the perfect little setting for the one night stands
Now the drapes are drawn and the lights are out
It's the time to put in practice what you've dreamed about

She can show you what you must do
To be more like people better than you

Chorus:
Amateur Hour goes on and on
When you turn pro you know she'll lets you know
Amateur Hour goes on and on
When you turn pro you know
She tells you so

Girls grow tops to go topless in
While we sit and count the hairs that blossom from our chins
Our voices change at a rapid pace
I could start a song a tenor and then end as bass

Choose your partners everyone
If you hesitate, the good ones are gone

(Chorus)

Dance, laugh, wine, dine, talk and sing
But those cannot replace what is the real thing
It's a lot like playing the violin
You cannot start off to be Yehudi Menuhin

(Chorus)

A WOOFER IN TWEETER'S CLOTHING

Jenn and I select our favorite songs from a Sparks album and play them for you here and discuss why Sparks is the greatest band in all of Tarnation, by golly.

Ted: Hey Jenn, ready to discuss Sparks' sophmore effort, A Woofer in Tweeter's Clothing?

Jenn: You betcha, Ted. It is a very interesting album, and really, depending on the day, there are a couple of songs I could choose to be my favorite.

T: Funny you should mention "a couple of songs," because that is what I'd like to submit, if you'll allow me to bend the rules for reasons I feel are justifiable...

J: Oh really. Two songs? I thought we had agreed we were going to have to pick one. I've labored over my choice, you know. You better have a good argument!

T: Combined, they clock in at under three minutes...

J: "Batteries Not Included" and "Here Comes Bob?"

T: Yes!

J: Hahahahahaha! Okay. I'll give em to ya.

T: I think they serve so well as little gems in between the other, lengthier songs.

J: Oh yes - I do agree. I, on the other hand, have followed the rules, and made a solid choice for "Whippings and Apologies." A great rock song, with a spectacular beginning, and still manages to follow the surreal flow of the album to make for a solid finish.

J: AND - I just love to sing along with Russell, "Over and Over!"

T: Oh yeah.

T: Some of the reviews of Whippings I've read say it anticipates punk and post-punk rock.  I'm inclined to agree.

T: I'd say it could be a Coheed and Cambria song, but I know how much you despise them...

T: So I won't say it.  Even though I just did.

J: I'm not even going to give that comment a second thought. Complete crap. I would agree that "Whippings" is one of their most anticipatory songs, and it comes on an album that is full of risk-taking lyrics, melodies and beats. They sure weren't trying to repeat their first effort, and they don't get bogged down by the pressure to write a one hit wonder or something.

T: I'd like it as much as, if not even better than their first, were it not for the deplorable cover of "Do Re Mi."  Ugh.

J: Oh god. What were they thinking with that? I skip over it every time it comes on, so I nearly forgot it was there. I'm going to give the brothers this one pass because they didn't screw up that bad on any of their next 19 albums... I think.

T: A youthful indiscretion.  

J: Perhaps Ron had the hots for Julie Andrews in her nun costume in The Sound of Music. Could also explain the lyrics to "Whipping and Apologies." A whole nun theme.

J: Still- a terrible cover, that shows up on a great album.

T: I sure dig the strings on "Here Comes Bob," a good preview for their next three albums and, eventually, their opus, L'il Beethoven.

J: Their opus?

T: Sparks have called it "their genre-defining opus!"

J: They give too much credit to themselves for their new stuff and choose to ignore how great they were earlier than that.

J: My second choice on Woofer would have been "Nothing Is Sacred." From what I understand, Ron didn't write the lyrics on that one.

J: I'll have to take that back- maybe it was another song.

T: I also enjoy the first track, "Girl from Germany."  Hilarious lyrics.

T: In summary, I'd say this album and its predecesor allowed Sparks to test the waters of experimentation and, finding no audience in the States, but a welcoming one in England, come out full throttle with their next release, Kimono My House.  Can't wait for our next review!

J: Well said, Ted! I'll leave it with that as well.

"Batteries Not Included/Here Comes Bob"

I brought it home and I opened it up

And a smile came to my face for the first time in a while

Yes a smile came to my face for the first time in a while
I turned it on
But nothing happened when I did
Nothing happened at all
I kicked it down the stairs
I threw it at the wall

Hey kid, batteries not included 

-----------------------------------------

When I spot a driver worth a second glance
Foot to floorboard, impact soon achieved
Here comes Bob, I ain't subtle in my ways of making friends
Girl this rubbled mess was caused by my neglect
Of course I'll pay and by the way my dear
Here comes Bob
I ain't subtle in my ways of making friends

But here comes Bob
Sometimes I will stoop to hitting two-door coupes without the frills
But that is just for casual acquaintances, for stripped-down thrills
Your car girl or mine it doesn't matter doesn't matter no
But for affairs with staying power I go after limousines
It's always nice when something big is acting as your go-between
For a group encounter I'll hit busses, mobile homes or trains to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

It's hard to make acquaintances in our big town 
Most eyes stare at nothing much at all
But here comes Bob
I ain't subtle in my ways of making friends, friends, acquaintances

Instant adulation comes to some at birth
Born to queens or corporate entities
But here comes Bob
Someday they'll put me away
I'll think back on active days
Most were worth the minor scars
Some were worth the damaged cars
And the judge will say to me
'Bob, You've got a bad means to a worthwhile end'

An end

Whippings and apologies
Over and over they did it to her when she disagreed
Whippings and apologies
Over and over and over and over
You know it's not right
For she has holy water running through her veins
And now it's me that she hates, it's me that she hates